do men only love children when they are in love with the child’s mothers?
Loving is easier than parenting
When people say a man's love for his child depends on his love for the mother of that child, they rarely acknowledge that there is a big difference between loving a child and parenting a child. A person can love a child but not parent them. Loving is easier than parenting, like watching sports is easier than playing them.
Winning a heavily contested game through blood and sweat is rewarding, but cheering on your favourite team to victory is all the emotional satisfaction with none of the aches, pains and pressures. A man can still love his child while not loving the mother of his child, but parenting should be a team effort. A fractured relationship leaves room to read the fine print; it can be used as an excuse; a clause to escape the responsibility of parenting. So even if a man loves his child, his relationship with the child's mother can impact his commitment to parenting.
Parenting is a full-time job — a few months maternity and a few weeks paternity is all bullshit — there is some kind of glitch in the parenting matrix. Even when you log out, you are still signed in; there is no clocking off. I can't speak to why a relationship falls apart, there are too many stories and reasons, but I know what being a father feels like.
A few months after the birth of my son, I would be going for a casual stroll admiring the sky and then suddenly be struck by the thought, almost like a revelation; I'm a father. It's a strange sensation because when I looked at my boy, my heart melted, eyes welled with pride, but mentally I still needed to catch up. You can say I had a nine-month head start to process these thoughts, but when you can still sleep on your stomach, piss with a pressure-free bladder and don't wake up in the morning throwing up, the idea of being a parent doesn't sink in until the ships have already left the harbour.
My mother-in-law, who has seven kids, told me her mind is always in seven places at once. It's like even though the doctor physically cut the umbilical cord spiritually, it remained intact. Once I had children, I understood this, but as a man, I doubt I will ever appreciate it to the same extent. My waking day isn't consumed by thoughts of children. I can go for 48 minutes during the NBA finals and not worry if they have eaten; on holiday, the regular FaceTime check in's to ensure the lil brats are alive and eating will suffice. So long as they are protected, nurtured and safe, I'm good to go. Despite my readjustment to being a parent, my wife constantly mentioned how much she felt in competition for my love when it came to my child. Men love, but we love differently.
Growing up in North London, I rarely saw an absent mom, yet, I can count on one hand how many fathers I saw at dinner tables. Even the present fathers came and went; there was always business abroad and other commitments. It's not hard to wonder if men find it easy to live without their children. The term deadbeat dad gets thrown around, but we rarely have context. The ones that ran away from responsibility to live their best life sans children. There is a scene in Bridgeton when the Duke's father — just as he is about to die — requests his presence after denying him for many years. I heard a real-life story of a man requesting his son, who he completely neglected on his deathbed. Some men feel shame and regret, but it's too late too often.
I didn't carry my children, they didn't suckle my breasts, and even on restless nights, they would wiggle and squirm in my arms until their mother haven returned. Tell yourself this is societal, it's conditioning and blah blah blah, but babies have no regard for patriarchy, gender roles, equality or sleep schedules. In a stable household, the mother feels like a conduit to parenting. A tattered relationship is a gateway to freedom. It is looking at the grass that needs to be mowed and realising there is a gap in the fence leading to the other side.
It's cruel to abandon a child; they are too vulnerable and fragile in such a big world. There is no excuse for a father (or any parent) to abandon their child if they have the means to care for them.
