honesty in a marriage

summer lovin

My family and I arrived from America last week, refreshed and ready to cause mayhem. With school starting again, I hope to finally get back to this newsletter. Full disclosure: I’ve been working on another passion project that required urgent attention, so my mind and writing were focused on that rather than on the pages of this newsletter.

Summer is interesting. In the past, it meant unlimited time to think of fun things to do with my partner, but somehow, as we grow older, we seem to inherit more responsibilities (mo’ money, mo’ problems, I guess). Not all responsibilities are bad, though. Marriage, kids, work—no matter how much you enjoy them, they always require more from you.

Recharging my newsletter brain for the coming weeks!

How did you guys spend your summer?

An extract from NOTES ON SACRIFICE:

If you keep anything sacred in your marriage, honesty should be wrapped in bubble wrap, handled with care, and placed on the highest shelf out of reach from the rest of the world. It’s not easy to always be honest, but every secret you keep from your partner is a brick in an invisible wall that separates the two of you. It seems like the truth becomes subjective in a relationship. Suddenly, it’s not called a lie anymore; it’s ‘but you didn’t ask’ or ‘that happened ages ago,’ even ‘I didn’t want to upset you’? Dishonesty and love cannot coexist. Dishonesty includes omissions of truths. Dark secrets can cast a long shadow over the light of marriage. I understand secrets hurt; secrets reveal shame. Is it healthy to carry that burden alone? Is it fair to give the world access to pieces of your existence that remain hidden from the person you have committed your life to? Whether it is good, bad, ugly, or offensive, the truth may not set free, but it is a right of passage in marriage. No relationship is immune from the opinions of third parties. Family pressure, friendship commitments, and social media make us vulnerable. It’s not always bad to consider how our decisions affect those around us. It takes a village, right? What happens when the opinion of another person hinders your relationship?

We’ve seen Monster in Law and the numerous Nollywood blockbusters that depict fierce rivalries between spouses and family members. A relationship is never about one person; neither is it about only two people. Love is a magnet; it attracts family, friends, religious congregations, and everyone else that signs for updates via social media. Marriage is like forming a treaty between two foreign countries. It’s negotiations between communities, merging households, learning traditions, adopting siblings, and creating legislation. Friends have an opinion; colleagues have suggestions, mother-in-laws have how to create a perfect marriage manual.

A marriage is no different from any negotiation — there is always someone unhappy with the new arrangements.What if your partner makes a decision that your family doesn’t like? You might upset many people in the process of upholding your marital commitment, but you can’t compromise the integrity of your marriage to appease others.

A relationship will show you who your real friends are. Not everyone is happy for you, and not everyone wants to see your marriage work. People will try to find ways to sneak into your household. Third parties are armed with excuses about knowing what is best for you and reminders of how much you have changed. 51

Opinions leak in through the ceilings and floorboards; soaking your marital home and drowning it in expectation. It’s hard to distinguish between those who are happy and those who are just hatin’. Create boundaries that protect your marriage. You are the frontline and last line of defense for your partner — protection that must be earned and one that must be reciprocated. Love is also a processof self-defense. Defending your marriage is a sacrifice that might hurt others. I trained myself that, regardless of who made that accusation, my wife is innocent until proven guilty. Opinions on your relationships are only as relevant as the attention you give them. Your marriage is not The Shade Room, and your drama is not for the entertainment of others. Do not create an obligation to water seeds of doubt planted by other people. Marital secrets should only leave the padlocked gates of your relationships as an absolute last resort – and only whispered to real ones. This is not an agreement to suffer in silence but an understanding between a couple to trust each other to deal with problems in-house before they outsource them to someone else. The people you choose to support your marriage are like pillars; they either cause it to crumble or keep it rising with stability and strength. Among countless relationship videos online, one really resonated with me. In the video, a man argued that the five people a spouse turns to after a dispute will significantly impact the marriage. He explained how he always went straight to his family when he hit a rough patch in his marriage, and his wife resorted to the advice of her friends. The man’s family always advocated to protect the marriage. His wife’s friends sided with her and blamed her husband for any issue; instead of defending the fortress, they attacked it from the inside. Friends and family do not have the same level of amnesia as lovers when it comes to past mistakes. They tend to package forgotten issues from the past and reopen them at any given opportunity.

‘I told you so’ becomes their weapon of choice.

‘I told you he ain’t shit.’

‘I told you not to let her take you there.’

Your happiness is not for everyone, and jealousy works in mysterious ways. People you thought would rejoice that love was in the air, instead feel suffocated by it. Single friends may not understand partnership, parents won’t know when to take a couple of steps backwards.