how to deal with an overconfident partner
Discover more from For Better Or Worse: Tales From A Married Man
how to deal with an overconfident partner
the spouse who thinks they are always right.
You can't go into a relationship with too much confidence. Before you hound me, let me land. Know yourself, establish boundaries, and don't take no BS are staples in all relationship advice, but everything in commitment is about balance. I say this because humility has never been one of my strong points. We all need a certain level of delusion to get through our day-to-day, but overconfidence can shield a person from accountability. It's easy to point fingers when you don't look at the ones pointing back at you. Anyone can justify what they bring to the table when they let ignorance blind them from what they don't bring to the table or, even worse, what they are taking away from it.
Unfortunately for her, I met my wife at the cockiest stage of my life (arguably, I might have been worse between 16-17, but social media didn't exist then, so we will never know), so in my prime, you 'can't tell me nothing, I'm the shit' late teens / early twenties I thrust myself into commitment. Commitment is an education, but it's hard to learn anything when you believe that you know it all. I didn't accept my flaws; instead, I dismissed them as exaggerations, 'it's not that deep' or my wife's 'overthinking'. So a relationship involving two people became one-sided. I did things she didn't like, but they were justified because 'that's just the way I am' or 'you will get used to it'.
Criticism hits harder when it comes from those closest to you because it insinuates that you need to change. People who believe they are always right don't see the need for change. When my soon-to-be wife told me I took small things personally (ironically, I took that personally) and told her the small things are my big things, like her consistent lateness for our dates or that she always (let's say eight out of ten times) fell asleep instead of staying awake to see if I got back safely on the long night bus ride back to mine after I trekked from North London to South just to drop her home. Stories manifested in my head based on her behavior.
My time is valuable; countless other people value it. She should feel privileged by my presence. She doesn't rate me. Does she love me?
In hindsight, these are small things, but they were significant in the context of a new relationship. The slight irritation I could handle, but in reality, my ego felt bruised, not my heart. Partnership involves acknowledging a teammate's strengths or weaknesses. In contrast, insecurity makes you interpret another person based on how you think they should see you or how you see yourself. Objective issues transformed into subjective ones, and I couldn't balance her grievances next to mine on the scale; it was a recipe for a breakup.
So I don’t have the answers, but surprisingly, maturity didn't initiate my change in perspective, but it was trust. I haven't mastered it yet, but in circumstances when I allow myself to trust my marriage, the feedback doesn't sting the same way, and her honesty is not perceived as a personal attack. The more confidence I felt in our union, the less I needed to overcompensate. Without a balance between self-assuredness and humility, our relationships suffer. Entering into a committed relationship is a step away from our ego and embracing the idea that we are not perfect; that's fine. A marriage is a journey of discovery, not a destination. You will grow with the relationship, and the relationship will grow you.
Overconfidence serves us in life, but not always in love.
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