The grass is not greener. You can't do better!
stop chasing perfection in a partner / wise words from Esther Perel
I'm a day late for this week's post. Most of my 'for better or worse' effort this week was focused on fighting off a runny nose and trying to get 'The Book I Wish I Had Read Before Marriage' proof copies ready for pre-order. Still hunched over a cup of Lemsip, a clip of Esther Perel came to mind. She didn't just hit the nail on the head; she drilled it into the cranium. Highly recommend Esther’s work. Watch Below.
The clip reminds me of something I wrote in my newsletter awhile back the grass isn't greener on the other side of your marriage:
The phrase ‘relationship goals’, has probably caused more harm than good.
In most cases, the glass is usually half-full when looking at someone else’s marriage. It’s rarely about desiring what other people have, but there is always something that might seem greener on the other side.
For example, my darling wife is a self-confessed OCD clean freak. My friends and family always walk into an immaculately cleaned and groomed Amoako house. Perfect right? Of course, it is, but they don’t see our cleaning wars or the infamous ‘laundry arguments’. The ones about where the orange plates go; or why the sink I cleared stacked with plates that she seemed to conjure out of thin air to feed her addiction.
The reality is we often see other people’s relationships, typically through one-sided rose-tinted lenses. How many goals couples have you seen get cancelled only a few months after they were being celebrated on meme pages? Looking at someone else’s marriage, by comparison, is like looking at those 6-week summer body gym progress pictures online. Those pictures are taken when the lighting is proper, muscles are tensed after a hardcore session, and the person hasn’t had KFC for the past twenty-four hours. The only marriage that should be reflected in the mirror is the one that you wake up to every day.
A few weeks ago, a Tiktok trend caught my attention.
It goes like this.
A parent records a video with their children (usually babies or toddlers) with the caption ‘I love you but….’ After the but comes a series of pictures, usually of the person living their best life before they had children with the caption ‘…I miss that person.’
As a parent, I get what they are saying. Of course, none of these people would trade their children for their all-night in the club popping bottles with the squad days. Still, they just acknowledge that although those days were fun, they found new ways to appreciate life. It’s a great example of how the things that make us happy evolve over time.
Before I was in a relationship, a phone call asking ‘what are you on?’ was responded with ‘just working. what are you saying doh?’ Over the years, that evolved to ‘just working, but gonna go chill with my babi afterwards…fam.’
Or ‘you want to go cinema?’ was replied by ‘i told my babi I would see it with her…fam.’
Did I stop liking spending time with my friends? That’s not the case, but I enjoyed the time I spent with my wife, so it became a priority.
Sometimes people in a marriage crave other people’s examples of happiness. It’s easy to get distracted because of something you saw posted. Scroll through your phone for 30 minutes, and you’ll feel like you’re always missing out on something. Of course, the distractions will lure you in when you think the choice is between taking December pics in Ghana or staying at home watching Netflix. When you understand that it’s ok to trade the enjoyment for the fulfilment, you focus less on what people tell you to want. It’s a blessing to find something (or a person) that gives you long-term satisfaction, but it’s easy to find a quick buzz.
Either you keep reminiscing on the glory days (which are never as glorious as we remember), become obsessed with other people’s highlights, or understand that life is about transformation. You can assume the grass is greener on the other side or invest more time watering your garden.
when will I get my book?
So, a quick update—I don't usually delve into the logistics of my work online (because do people care past the latest gym pic or holiday selfie?), but the book is still a work in progress. Anyone who has ordered a PDF (ebook) version of the book may have noticed a couple (I promise it’s tiny) proofreading errors and spacing discrepancies. Being connected with the startup world, while always trying to fight my creative perfectionist, I am trying to approach my writing with the mentality to get things moving instead of waiting for them to be perfect. This is because I am still learning as a writer, and I feel the best way to learn is from direct feedback (which is welcome), but also by seeing how people respond. Outside of my craft, I want to practice and learn how to market a book, so when I am eventually ready as a writer, all my hard work doesn't fall on deaf ears. Hence why 'The Book You Wish You Had Read About Marriage' (which I will call Notes on Sacrifice, abbreviated to NOS, because it's too long to type the whole damn thing out) is really more of an expanded essay. Think Chimamanda (one of the greatest writers on the planet) and her work 'Notes on Grief,' or some of the 'School Of Life' books. I really see them as mixtapes/singles before the albums. When it comes to the album (my novel), I have already spent over £5000 on editing fees, so I am hoping that will be my best effort when it one day reaches the world. In the meantime, that means not every essay will be perfect, and some will be trial and error. The entire editing team is just me, my wife, and a few friends, and the writing happens in between touring, speaking gigs, and trying to keep two people under 6 years old fed and clothed. All feedback and proofread is welcome, I am refining the process, but I appreciate your patience.
Thanks for the monologue, so when will I get my book?
This week, I received a soft proof of NOS, and I was hoping to approve it so I could send it to printers and get the copies to send out to everyone, but the copies didn't hit the spot. This led to a cover redesign, editing and I even changed the formatting and font. This was followed by a quick Instagram poll to decide the new cover. Number 1 won by a large majority.
I also decided to turn the book into a hardback. As it stands, I am waiting for another sample to be sent (next week hopefully), then I plan to order a print run, so I can get copies to you guys. Please bear with me. Everyone who has ordered a digital book, please will find the latest edit via email. You can still pre-order a hardback of NOS from here.
As always, I appreciate your support and continued patience.
Download The Book You Wish You Had Read Before Marriage: Digital E-book or Listen to the Audio Book (It’s only 30 mins). Also on Amazon.
Catch me live in London:
January 29th: The Bush Theatre
May 1st - Royal Albert Hall
