the time i almost sabotaged my marriage

I used to have nightmares about commitment.

I used to have nightmares about commitment. Once, I woke from a dream, called my wife (my girlfriend at the time), and told her I didn't feel comfortable in a relationship anymore. She asked for my reasons, and I didn't have any, only that after three years in my only adult relationship, I didn't feel right. Maybe I couldn't admit to myself that commitment scared me, but it felt foreign, awkward, and too big for my small heart. Self-sabotage is real.

Years ago, I met a soldier who, after multiple tours, couldn't hold a conversation or a pen without his hands or voice trembling. Through staggered sentences, he mentioned how he would probably be on another tour, as his superiors didn't sign him off for severe PTSD. Why did he keep putting himself through it? He told me that 'out there' had become more natural to him. He couldn't function by getting on public transport at 8 am every day, only to spend eight to nine hours sitting at a desk.

People who grow up in conflict feel uncomfortable during times of peace. Healthy commitment feels so fragile for many of us. We grew up in fractured relationships and broken homes, so commitment feels more temporary than permanent. We adopt a 'let me hurt her before she hurts me' mentality and refuse to believe that everything could be this good for this long. Some of us go into 'just in case' mode. We separate all our bank accounts, just in case. We don't introduce them to certain family members, just in case (no one wants to be the laughing stock at the next BBQ). It's hard to believe in permanence over protection and prevention. So we move in together but never unpack; we keep our bags by the door in case our loved ones decide to kick us out. We commit but are always thinking of a backup plan.

Did my commitment issues end? It took a while, but they got better. Of course, they did. For the right person, it’s okay to open your heart and know they are worth any pain that might come later down the line. Commitment is bravery; it's the absence of fear, it's the decision to move forward despite it. Now, I'm happily married, but many people don't get the same blessing. They never get to overcome the barriers that stagnate a relationship. It's okay to be afraid, but when we never admit the fears that enforce our actions, we end up tearing down our flowers before we give them a chance to blossom.

Sometimes, even fifteen years later, the fear still creeps at the edge of my peripheral vision, but I have the choice to focus ahead. Love is not easy, but it hasn't failed me yet, so I will keep my trust in it and allow myself to embrace peace.