What Are Your Deal Breakers in a Relationship?
Are your deal breakers rooted in what you want—or what others expect?
This question stems from a conversation my wife suggested (so don’t crucify me) after she eavesdropped on a discussion between two people riding the train.
“Could you marry a woman who can’t cook?”
Before you jump to “Boo! Sooo misogynistic!”—I get it. It’s not the 1960s, and no one’s value should hinge on their kitchen skills. But at the same time, we all have our deal breakers. Who am I to judge?
What’s a Deal Breaker?
A deal breaker is a specific quality, behavior, or circumstance that someone considers unacceptable in a relationship or situation, to the point where it prevents them from continuing or committing. They help individuals set limits on what they’re willing to tolerate.
In my early twenties, I inherited a whole bunch of deal breakers. They centered around things like a woman’s past relationships, the clothes she wore, the places she partied on weekends—even what part of London she was from. Looking back, I ask myself: did I really care about these things, or was I just echoing what my peers thought?
I cared so much about others’ opinions that these deal breakers became my shield. My worst nightmare was ending up with someone one of the “mandem” happened to be familiar with. On paper, I knew my deal breakers, but I couldn’t separate them from the ones that insecurities handed me. In truth, these deal breakers protected me from judgment.
This isn’t about encouraging people to settle, but when I met my wife, trying to enforce these deal breakers kept me from committing. For instance, I never imagined I’d marry a Nigerian woman. What would my parents think? Who would teach our children our language? Would I have to eat long-grain rice instead of basmati for the rest of my life? Rather than seeing her for who she was, I tried to fit her into a pre-constructed “wife” mold. It wasn’t until I prioritized her character that I could set aside my conditioned rules for companionship.
Deal breakers are necessary. You definitely need a few hard-and-fast non-negotiables in your search for a partner—but these should be based on a person’s conduct, character, and beliefs. Too often, we judge others based on factors beyond their control.
Let’s take it back.
So, would you marry a woman who can’t cook?
Hell no? Or maybe...why can’t she cook? What if her parents never taught her? She might not be Gordon Ramsay, but maybe she has a few great dishes under her belt.
Sometimes there’s more to people than what we see on the surface. These conditioned deal breakers often prevent us from looking deeper. He may not be a 6-foot-plus finance guy, but he could be exactly what you need to balance out your emotional life.
We’re quick to romanticise the “perfect” partner, sketching out a list of requirements. You may know exactly what you want, but not always what you need.
What past deal breakers did you find yourself reconsidering to allow love to flourish? Comment below.