what the HELL is a mental load?
Let’s discuss the mental load from a husband's perspective.
I saw the phrase ‘mental load’ in a video initially and dismissed it as some Instagram, Twitter, new-age social media concept. Yet, last week Babi brought it up (well, actually she sent me a meme), so I didn’t have a choice (joke), but to delve deeper.
Let’s discuss the mental load — the mental what? (Yeah, I had the same reaction). Never fear, people, you probably understand it on a conceptual level — since it’s quite obvious — but never knew the name for it.
Here is an official description. Types in ‘what is the mental load?’ in Google.
This is the first article I scanned (just scanned, not recommending) and here is what it says:
‘Even in the most progressive households where couples split the chores pretty evenly, there's still often one person who ends up doing most of the "thinking" work—also known as the mental load.’
The mental load refers to the unseen pressures associated with being a wife (not all wives — before you crucify me); tasks like being the person prioritizing childcare, organizing the family schedule, or maintaining the household.
To be honest, most articles on the ‘mental load’ subject felt biased. Maybe I’m defensive, but I felt the need to ride out of my brothers and fight back on behalf of the mandem. My argument was that a woman’s anxiety plays a big part in the ‘mental load’. That women obsess about things to be done ‘their way’, so it's better to stay out of ‘their way.’ The same pride I had might not allow most men to empathize with the concept. Where did this defensiveness stem from? I’m usually against the whole ‘we all have problems, all lives matter’ kind of arguments, but that’s how I felt. During a conversation with a female friend while writing this piece, she hit me with a gem. She argued that since most husbands refuse to acknowledge their personal ‘mental load’, they struggle to perceive it in their wife or the imbalance it creates in a marriage. She was right.
You can’t empathize with something if you refuse to acknowledge its existence. So here is a new definition of the mental load, for the husbands reading. It’s those days, the silent days when you want to be alone. When the football doesn’t distract you and the favorite foods taste bland. It’s deadlines, money troubles, sick family members, business problems, everyone looking to you for answers that you don’t have. When the voices remind you of all the shortcomings and indecisions, the sleepless nights before pursuing an opportunity, when you feel the entire world on your shoulders and miss the people who are no longer around.
A lot of the time, wives recognize it before we ever do, and we respond with ‘I’m fine, just a bit tired,’ and they know we are not fine. Are you resonating?
I take care of my children without exception; I do all the assigned (this word here is important, because who is assigning them?) household task. Although, on a physical level, I probably contribute 50/50 to the family tasks, I have to bite the bullet and acknowledge that most of the ‘mental family’ load falls on my wife. I take the kids to appointments, but she schedules (and remembers the dates), I drop them at school, but she reminds me if there is a change in the schedule. It’s not always fair to default to ‘it’s easier when you do it, coz you know how you want it done’ or ‘why are you stressing so much over that’ arguments.
When we don’t see the mental commitment required for the daily tasks, we tend to overlook the toil they take on our spouse. These tasks weigh on a person's shoulders long before they become tangible. This can explain a spouse's reluctant smile or justify their dragging feet around the house. None of us can mind-read, but that’s no excuse. A lack of awareness doesn’t justify a lack of consideration.
Can you relieve another person’s anxiety? Maybe not. Yet, a spouse still tries; that’s why my wife ignores my ‘I’m fine's’ on the days when I am not.
Babi might not completely stop ‘carrying the mental load’ even if I take the task off her plate, but a husband should strive to create an environment where on those days when she doesn’t want to think about it, she knows that she can afford to.
An extract from ‘THE BOOK YOU WISH YOU HAD READ BEFORE MARRIAGE’ [Buy Now]
Effective communication is when we tell our partners how we feel about their sacrifice. Ineffective communication leads tofighting. Being aware of how to critique your partner is a skill that takes years to master.We tend to use a single dispute as an excuse to bring up a long list of things our spouse has done to hurt you, some you already claimed to have forgiven them for. You gain more when you criticize the situation or the circumstance, but not the person. Resolving the issues in a marriage should not be an exercise in character assassination.