Why I Love Arguing With My Wife

Honesty isn’t always pretty, but it’s necessary.

Unpopular opinion: Arguments are necessary to develop a relationship. Before you get defensive, hear me out.

It starts at the dining table. My sister is venting; she and my bro are spending the weekend with us. Her current status: wide-eyed, honeymooned, booed-up newlywed. She’s a rookie in the marriage game—entry level. Surprisingly, she’s curious about my take on marriage. Well, not exactly my take (although I have written a book on the subject), but she wants to understand things from a “man’s perspective.”

“God…” She slaps her forehead. “We argue so much. Nobody warns you.”

“Trust me, it’s normal,” I reply.

My sister-in-law raises an eyebrow.

“Honestly.”

“You can’t just say that!” she protests.

I double down. “Let’s be real. If you haven’t had any significant arguments, are you really married? You’re probably suppressing how you really feel.”

Despite her wide eyes, my sister’s shoulders relax. She breathes easy. A sigh of relief? I hope she realizes her marriage isn’t on the verge of collapse. These are called growing pains for a reason—because they hurt. A relationship isn’t broken because people fight; it only breaks when people refuse to fix the problems that cause the fights.

In the early stages of marriage, the foundations aren’t fully in place. You’re still learning to understand one another—learning to understand marriage.

For real, I don’t like to dwell on the “little things,” but the little things are glimpses into the big things.

Why is she always stressing about minor issues? I would say, until I realised minor issues pile up when we don’t stress over them enough.

And someone asked me to explain better on Instagram.

Conflict isn’t necessary, but honesty is. And honesty isn’t always pretty.

When I first met my wife, I let a lot of things slide because it wasn’t worth jeopardizing the pursuit. Let’s be real: for the mandem, it’s a game at the start. Nobody goes into the hunt without their armor on.

We play it cautious at first. Don’t like the way she dresses? Well, I don’t mind when she wears it for me. Always out in the clubs? It’s all good; I’ll just go out too. Damn, I didn’t realize she had that many male friends… At least I get to keep my female friends.

These things didn’t bother me at the start. But as the relationship became more established, I felt entitled to set some ground rules—and that’s when the arguments began.

Out of fear, people avoid conflict with their partner, and so they avoid honesty. But you can’t run from it forever.

There have been times I’ve hit my breaking point with my wife (as she has with me). If I’d kept everything bottled up, who knows where it could have led? Of course, I hate confrontation. What’s the point?

Yet honesty should always be viewed as an act of love, not an act of safety.