My Second Wife.

Most husbands can't deal with two wives.

Most husbands don’t realize they are dealing with two wives. Wife number one: The woman you marry. Wife number two: the woman she becomes over the years you spend together. The things that bothered your first wife might not bother your second wife. Likewise, the things your first wife let slide, your second wife might not.

The concept of change sometimes eludes people in marriage, and I get it. If it worked enough to get us down the aisle, then why switch up now?

'I was always like this, why do you want me to change now?' This used to be a staple sentence for me in any conflicts. Either that or, 'It never bothered you before.'

Sixteen years in a relationship taught me that 'if it’s not broken, then why fix it' doesn’t work in a marriage. To understand why you must ‘fix it,’ we should look at our parents. As children, we didn’t mind them treating us like children, yet as we got older and put away childish things, we expect our growth to be reflected in their treatment of us. As husbands, it’s very easy for us to please the woman we married. Yet, during the course of the relationship, we miss the little changes, and many of us neglect to adapt to the needs of our 'new' spouse. It’s an oversight that leads a man to neglect the emerging needs of their spouse.

My 'new' spouse is no longer just a lover; she is family, a partner, a mother, and so much more. When our spouse changes and our love doesn’t evolve, it creates a hole in the relationship, and the gap widens when we don’t acknowledge it.

No one can please two people at once, but we can learn to accept growth in our relationships. A marriage is a journey that starts in one vehicle, but after an extended amount of mileage, changes are required to maintain that vehicle.

The weight of expectations continues to grow in my marriage, and sometimes I wonder when it will end, but through reflection, I acknowledge that my spouse is not the only person changing. The husband I am today is not the one who started this relationship. Both parties in a relationship are navigating the struggles of dealing with a new person. Change is not negative; it’s different and sometimes intimidating, but it also creates room for something new to replace the old. My wife and I laugh at different jokes now, we share newer experiences, and our relationship has blossomed through each phase as we develop new levels of partnership.

The second wife is the best parts of your first one adapting to the world you have built together. It’s a beautiful experience allowing yourself to grow alongside her.

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On another note (two actually) I will be performing at the iconic Royal Albert Hall in May!!

Get tickets here

Also, I am working on a second book/essay, but I want to try something pretty scary this time… crowdfunding. The biggest difficulty with books is not knowing how many copies to print. With ‘Notes on Sacrifice’, it worked out pretty well, but I still feel like out of my 4000 subscribers, I didn’t accurately predict the demand.

My next book will be a combination of essays on Companionship, (some new writings) mixed with some previous content from the newsletter. I would need to reach a certain threshold of confirmations to justify printing the book.

So I wanted to do a quick poll to see who would support the crowdfund. I am aware that not everyone has a Substack account, but just engaging in the poll will be very helpful.

Check out the cover design below: