My wife won't have sex with me...
I've noticed a significant decline in physical intimacy in our marriage.
Marriage gist #15
Dear Solomon,
‘I've noticed a significant decline in physical intimacy in our marriage. My wife seems distant and uninterested in being intimate with me; she consistently turns down my advances. I feel hurt and frustrated by her lack of interest in sex. I know she's been dealing with a lot of stress from work and other responsibilities, but sex is important to me and I'm not sure how to approach the situation without making her feel pressured or defensive. There might be underlying issues in our marriage that we need to address, but I want to support her and find a way to reconnect.
Hey Bro,
Appreciate you sharing. I can’t claim to understand the entirety of the issues; like many things in marriage, complex situations sometimes require simple solutions, while simple situations are a lot more complicated than they seem. Let me shed some light from my experience
One of my big mistakes is that I used to believe that sexual intimacy began in the bedroom. Sex is connection. Physical intimacy is a compliment to healthy mental and spiritual connections. We assume it’s time to get down once the lights go out and the curtains are drawn, but for our partners, that desire can start from the way we address them in the morning or consider them throughout the day. It took years for me to understand the seductive power of consideration. Small acts of kindness and words of compassion can be a bigger turn on than other physical acts, especially in a long-term relationship. When you have been together for long, sex can become formulaic. The best form of intimacy is not just sex; it’s a sexual experience. Consider your wife's feelings outside of the bed (but in it as well). Sex shouldn’t be like a shore, your wife should want to have sex with you.
After a lack of consideration, many partners are guilty of a lack of effort. In a past life, I never threw away a pair of boxers. Rips, holes, and lost buttons didn’t stop me from pushing my boxers to the limits. It wasn’t until my wife began to take them straight from the laundry basket to the dustbin that I realized that the lifespan of my boxers didn’t impress her (RIP. Some of my favorite boxers). After years in a relationship, we stop making an effort; we don’t get regular haircuts, stop hitting the gym, and walk around the house like paupers. Don’t forget the person you were before marriage. Life does get more complicated, but attraction is essential to stoke the flames of desire.
Not to put the ball in your court and say it’s all your fault, but you won’t know until you talk to her. However, see if anything resonates and try it out. If you don’t notice any changes, then you guys need to talk, especially since being on the same page sexually is a crucial part of a healthy relationship.
Solomon
Ask The Audience:
Is a previous relationship, has there ever been a reason why you stopped enjoying sleeping with your partner?
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Peace Loverbirds.
Our marriage is at a peak like never before. The days are fun, intimacy is great, communication is top notch, and sometimes we feel like…are we supposed to be this happy? Our neighbors and friends don’t seem to be. They tell us all the time. That’s not to say we don’t have our issues but we have found an incredible rhythm. Here are some thoughts from end.
Two tools (yes I call these tools lol) is “calling up” and “the communication code.” I’ll try to be brief.
Something like “why did you think that was a good idea?” Or “of course you didn’t do that thing!” contribute to an environment where two people are separated instead of brought together something. That’s calling someone out. Calling someone up looks like—“hey, I noticed your efforts didn’t work out this time but I’m glad to see you trying new things.” The same is true at home.
For example, my wife tends to clean late at night. For quite a few years I nagged her about it and complained that it was too late, and why does it have to happen on a Sunday at 11pm when I have work the next day. We would argue and fight about it.
Well, I want to clean the house.
Well it’s too late.
Well you’re not cleaning it.
Well I clean differently than you.
Well that’s the problem.
And on and on and on. Then I realized that her efforts 1) helped her recharge and unclog her mind and 2) she wanted the house to be clean for US. So I let it go and started to praise her for the positives of this behavior even when it bugged me. “Thank you for cleaning the house so our family has an easy week and you pushed through even though it was late.” “Thanks for putting so much effort into our home, it really helps us have a smooth week. How can I help you clean earlier on Sunday so we can spend more time together in the evening?”
Once I started doing that, we both started doing things for each other more and more. Then it became a sort of reciprocity cycle. Now when one of us lapses or falters it’s not a significant issue because our efforts together have proven our motivations towards each other and so on. Now, intimacy just naturally happens because the “outside of the bedroom” stuff is smooth.
I realize this response is going forever so I’ll save the communication code for another comment, but I hope this offers a simple mental trick to help. Don’t call her out! Call her up!