Our marriage is at a peak like never before. The days are fun, intimacy is great, communication is top notch, and sometimes we feel like…are we supposed to be this happy? Our neighbors and friends don’t seem to be. They tell us all the time. That’s not to say we don’t have our issues but we have found an incredible rhythm. Here are some thoughts from end.
Two tools (yes I call these tools lol) is “calling up” and “the communication code.” I’ll try to be brief.
Something like “why did you think that was a good idea?” Or “of course you didn’t do that thing!” contribute to an environment where two people are separated instead of brought together something. That’s calling someone out. Calling someone up looks like—“hey, I noticed your efforts didn’t work out this time but I’m glad to see you trying new things.” The same is true at home.
For example, my wife tends to clean late at night. For quite a few years I nagged her about it and complained that it was too late, and why does it have to happen on a Sunday at 11pm when I have work the next day. We would argue and fight about it.
Well, I want to clean the house.
Well it’s too late.
Well you’re not cleaning it.
Well I clean differently than you.
Well that’s the problem.
And on and on and on. Then I realized that her efforts 1) helped her recharge and unclog her mind and 2) she wanted the house to be clean for US. So I let it go and started to praise her for the positives of this behavior even when it bugged me. “Thank you for cleaning the house so our family has an easy week and you pushed through even though it was late.” “Thanks for putting so much effort into our home, it really helps us have a smooth week. How can I help you clean earlier on Sunday so we can spend more time together in the evening?”
Once I started doing that, we both started doing things for each other more and more. Then it became a sort of reciprocity cycle. Now when one of us lapses or falters it’s not a significant issue because our efforts together have proven our motivations towards each other and so on. Now, intimacy just naturally happens because the “outside of the bedroom” stuff is smooth.
I realize this response is going forever so I’ll save the communication code for another comment, but I hope this offers a simple mental trick to help. Don’t call her out! Call her up!
Our marriage is at a peak like never before. The days are fun, intimacy is great, communication is top notch, and sometimes we feel like…are we supposed to be this happy? Our neighbors and friends don’t seem to be. They tell us all the time. That’s not to say we don’t have our issues but we have found an incredible rhythm. Here are some thoughts from end.
Two tools (yes I call these tools lol) is “calling up” and “the communication code.” I’ll try to be brief.
Something like “why did you think that was a good idea?” Or “of course you didn’t do that thing!” contribute to an environment where two people are separated instead of brought together something. That’s calling someone out. Calling someone up looks like—“hey, I noticed your efforts didn’t work out this time but I’m glad to see you trying new things.” The same is true at home.
For example, my wife tends to clean late at night. For quite a few years I nagged her about it and complained that it was too late, and why does it have to happen on a Sunday at 11pm when I have work the next day. We would argue and fight about it.
Well, I want to clean the house.
Well it’s too late.
Well you’re not cleaning it.
Well I clean differently than you.
Well that’s the problem.
And on and on and on. Then I realized that her efforts 1) helped her recharge and unclog her mind and 2) she wanted the house to be clean for US. So I let it go and started to praise her for the positives of this behavior even when it bugged me. “Thank you for cleaning the house so our family has an easy week and you pushed through even though it was late.” “Thanks for putting so much effort into our home, it really helps us have a smooth week. How can I help you clean earlier on Sunday so we can spend more time together in the evening?”
Once I started doing that, we both started doing things for each other more and more. Then it became a sort of reciprocity cycle. Now when one of us lapses or falters it’s not a significant issue because our efforts together have proven our motivations towards each other and so on. Now, intimacy just naturally happens because the “outside of the bedroom” stuff is smooth.
I realize this response is going forever so I’ll save the communication code for another comment, but I hope this offers a simple mental trick to help. Don’t call her out! Call her up!