my love was on autopilot / how to reconnect before it’s too late
Are you building a life with your partner—or just passing time together?
Solomates,
I’m writing this post backwards (p.s. I found the time. It will make sense at the end.)
Are you living with your partner or just co-existing? Are you roommates or a couple?
Until my wife sent me a meme, I didn’t truly understand the difference between living with someone and co-existing with a partner. I lived through it, but didn’t really get it.
It hit me when we had our second child. With our first child, we zoned in and focused on keeping him alive. It wasn’t easy, but we eventually figured it out. When the second child came along, things didn’t fall into place as easily. We suddenly needed to parent two children—one of us changing nappies while the other changed the TV channel from Paw Patrol to Sonic. We divided functions, but in doing so, we also divided our attention.
When attention is split like that, it’s hard to bring it back into focus, especially when the family machine is still running. That’s co-existing, which I still struggle with now.
Existing is a state of being—passive, uninvested, involuntary, like breathing. You do it without thinking. It’s so easy to become a passenger in a marriage—especially when kids come along.
Living with someone, though, is a completely different ball game. It’s about being invested in their life and going through the experience with them.
It’s far too easy to submerge yourself into tasks and forget to come up for air. It’s easy to get back from work and go straight to bed. But this can make a relationship stagnant.
I have a piece called The Graveyard about the difference between living and existing. The scariest part of this equation is what happens when the kids grow up and piss off. How do you learn to live with someone you’ve only existed with for many years?
The most important thing is awareness. Is co-existing ideal? No. But the more important question is: Is it avoidable?
Sometimes, life forces us to be like passing ships with our spouses, but awareness gives us a chance to act. With awareness, you can salvage the small bits of attention you have and point them in the right direction. Even something as simple as eye contact or a kiss on the forehead before bed (I do it with my kids) can be a reminder that you are still present, that they still matter.
I’m currently tinkering with a post about “coexisting and living,” (pls, this was before I found the time) but I’m knee-deep in finishing my new book for February—which you can pre-order now! Also, I’m super excited because the new packaging for my books just arrived!
With my new book on the horizon, I mentioned in my newsletter that I’ll be “retiring” my current book not long after the release of the new one. While it will still be available as an audiobook and digital copy (details will always be in my newsletter), the hardback editions will only be available to those who purchased them while they were on sale.
The purpose of my book are to create something tangible from my words for people to hold and cherish. I don’t need a copy in every bookstore to feel accomplished; that was never the goal. Since I control production, I’ve decided not to print more. Everything I create holds meaning to me, and I want it to hold meaning for its owner as well. Btw if your book has first edition (and alot of typos) inside it, that means you are one of the few owners of the first 50 copies I printed.
In many ways, it feels like retiring a jersey. If you own a copy, feel free to display it proudly—because it’s a piece of a journey that won’t be replicated.
There are hardback copies left before it’s time to move on to the next book. So you can still cop them here:
Lastly, I’m excited to announce my live event in London—I want to see you all there!
What’s the event about?
It’s a journey through my life, exploring parenting, marriage, education, success, and personal growth. I’ll share these experiences through storytelling, spoken word, and readings from my newsletters and book.
It’ll be an evening of connection, reflection, and inspiration. Don’t miss it!
I always want to do a date in NYC June. How many of you will make the trip?